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Effects of Your Injury on Your Relationship
Something that I deal with very often with my clients after an injury is helping them in how to deal with a breakup or deal with the fear of a breakup because of their injury. This is a topic that has been in the media recently where it was reported that most couples separate or divorce after an injury. In my work I also am seeing more attention brought to this topic. Often I am told that couples are told soon after their injury by healthcare providers that most couple do not stay together after an injury that in fact many relationships end even before the rehab process is completed. Unfortunately this is very true but I feel that instead of healthcare professionals pointing this out in early stages of a person’s recovery maybe there should be intervention at early stages. For instances counseling provided to the couple that could help them understand and process what is happening, what changes are occurring in their lives/relationship/body and what to expect in days ahead. When a person gets injured usually all the focus is on that individual but the reality is everyone in the family is affected by the injury in some way.
Finances are a major issue as now the individual has most likely lost the ability to return to their job or off work for a significant period of time. Meaning they have no income and in most cases if the partner is working they will take time off to spend time with their loved one and help in any way they can with the recovery process. With the loss/reduction of income comes stress and then you have to add on the additional costs that come with rehabilitation. There is a possibility of extra expenses in travel, meals, equipment and other daily expenses associated with an injury. In addition it could mean long stays in hospital and rehab, this can cause a lot of stress to fall on the partner as the injured person may not realize these expenses as they are more focused on their rehabilitation and working on getting better. Of course when the individual who is injured realizes the extra financial stress their rehabilitation is costing this can put a lot of stress on them as well. This will put a lot of unnecessary stress on the relationship.
Expenses while going through rehab can be small compared to the expenses that could be required later. For example there may be renovations need to the home, vehicle modification and of course the cost of medication, supplies, equipment and possibly home-care. Of course a number of people do return back to work after an injury however there is still a significant recovery time period were an individual is unable to work. In most cases the partner will try to bare the financial burden of the additional expenses. Especially if they don’t have insurance or qualify or community programs which in some cases the family are not aware or informed about. This can create a lot of stress for the partner who is now the sole provider of the family. With the stress of finances alone it can be enough to put strain on the relationship and have the partner pull away. However the financial strain is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to new injuries.
Intimacy can be a big problem after an injury, this I have seen to be especially true for males. Most people would think that in a relationship that the males are most sexual but I feel it is an equal playing field. However in my experience it seems that males are more opened to talk about it and discuss their concerns. Of course this could be because I am male and it is easier to discuss issues with another male. Society seems to have the view that because an individual is in a wheelchair they are not sexual or able to have sexual intercourse. Though sometimes after an injury it is the opposite there are in fact individuals who experience heightened sexuality.
For the individuals who have issues sexually this can be a point of embarrassment or make them feel less worthy of their partner. Many don’t like to talk about it the issues they are experiencing and miss out on valuable information that can help their sexual part of their relationship. They do not realize that there are many options available to help them and their partners enjoy a full sexual relationship. One that is similar or maybe better than before their injury as long as they are open minded and willing to try new things. Intimacy is very important in any relationship that without it can cause a break that will not be fixed unless worked on. It is up to both individuals to openly talk about the issues and options available to each other and to health care professionals. This can help take away the pressure that sexual intimacy after an injury can have on their relationship.
In my opinion the biggest issue in breakup or lack of intimacy in most relationships after an injury is personal care. Many individuals don’t feel comfortable with anyone else but their partner doing their personal care or some partners feel it is their duty to provide personal care to their loved one. After discussing this issue with many couples the feedback I get is that one finds it hard to be sexual with their partner after providing their personal care. That by providing the personal care there is a loss of intimacy and a shift in the relationship dynamic. They spend so much time doing personal care that it feels more like a job then a relationship also they may find themselves wanting more alone time because they spend so much time together while providing personal care. This can reduce the time spent together in a more relationship atmosphere reducing the time spent relaxing together, dating and enjoying each other. I feel that anyone who qualifies for home care should take full advantage of it especially when it comes to personal care. It will help your relationship as it will make the quality time you spend together more like it was before the injury and less like work.
Another big obstacle to any relationship after an injury is a person’s feelings and attitudes towards their injury. It is very normal after an injury for an individual to have a feeling of loss however it is very important how the individual and the partner deal with their feelings. In some cases the individual drive away the loved ones feeling that they deserve better and that they can no longer provide for them. Some people fall to depression or their attitude turns to anger they act out. The partner can feel that their loved one has changed so much that they are no longer the person they feel in love with. Most individuals just need time to deal with their feelings and eventually learn to accept their injury. However, unfortunately some people take a really long time or never accept their injury this will make it hard for any relationship to work no matter how much work is put into it. No matter the circumstances, I feel anyone after an injury deserves time to cope with their feelings and loss. Though they will need time they will also need the love and support of those closest to them as they go through this rehabilitation process and life change.
The points above are based on my personal opinions and observations of what I feel are the important reasons for the causes of breakups after injuries. I can go on with other issues; however these are the ones I feel are the most influential. Sometimes relationships were not that great before injury making it the excuse for the break up. Other times people just don’t like talking about their problems or issues so they will never fully understand what is going on in their relationship. No matter the level of injury, a couple can have a full meaningful relationship as long as they are willing to work at it, make the appropriate changes and do things differently to make it work. Things may be harder, things may take longer and there will be days when it seems like nothing is working out. However they happen in every relationship and when those things happen it’s a good idea to just sit back take a break so you can refocus.
Any relationship both before or after an injury can be hard and requires work. Relationships will work if the two people are willing to put in the effort it requires. Like before an injury sometimes things don’t work out but sometimes after an injury it can bring the couple closer together. It can also be that no matter what you put into a relationship it just doesn’t work and when you get to that point it is better to let that person go. If in a relationship you feel lonely, not appreciated and start to develop feelings of hatred towards the other why be in it? You should feel supported and loved in a relationship; don’t stay because you don’t think no one else will love me now. There will be others to love and others to love you. The most important rule in any relationship is to be open with your partner and discuss any issues, your feeling and always continue to work together on any dispute.
Dion Regular
About Dion Regular
Dion Regular grew up on the Baie Verte, Peninsula where he lived for 23 years before moving to St. John’s. In 1999 Dion became a husband, father and had an accident that would forever change the course of his life. In December, he fell from a boat in dry dock; he broke the C5, C6 and C7 in his neck and ended up a quadriplegic. Though he was told he would never walk or even feed himself again he was determined to be independent. With hard work and perseverance, Dion has regained strength in both his arms and legs. He became a volunteer with the Spinal Cord Injury NL (formerly Canadian Paraplegic Association) in 2008 and spent as much time as possible being a peer for others who were going through or had met the challenges that he had. In November 2011, he became employed with the Spinal Cord Injury NL as the Peer Support Specialist; he continues to offer the support and services needed to his peers. He offers support to those with similar injuries cope with their emotions and daily challenges while getting back into the community and participating fully in daily activities. Dion is also a single dad, who enjoys spending time with his two children. He also likes going for coffee, bowling, watching movies, going to concerts and sporting events or sparking up the fire pit in his backyard.
Thank you so much for sharing this blog post. You’ve touched on many of the issues I’ve faced with my common-law partner since I became disabled about 20 months ago. I only wish I could have read this a year or more ago, as things seem to be too damaged to fix now.