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Dating and Relationships After an Injury
Dating and Relationships after an Injury
One of the most popular topics that I am asked when I meet people with new injuries is how will my dating and relationships be affected. After an injury a majority of individuals lack self-confidence. They feel that they will never find a relationship or if they are in a relationship they feel like their partner will not have the same feelings for them. A couple of popular statements I hear are “who would want to date someone in a chair” or “how can they love me the same when I cannot do the things I have done before”. If someone truly loves you, they will love you for the person you are, the person they fell in love with. An injury doesn’t change who you are; we as people are defined by our actions.
About 5 years ago my wife and I decided to separate; I don’t feel it was because of my injury. It was because we didn’t work as a couple anymore; we fell out of love. We were together for 10 years after my injury and if anything the injury brought us closer together. The last couple years we were together we just grew farther and farther apart, we had different interests it just wasn’t working. We decided that we would both be happier apart. The day came when she would move out and two emotions quickly came over me, the first was the feeling of freedom and independence. This was a problem since I was married at such an early age and never really had a lot of dating experience. The second was the feeling of would I ever be able to find someone to accept me the way I was.
As I sat thinking, I quickly realized that I was not alone; that all anyone wants whether they had an injury or not is to be accepted whole heartedly for the person that they are. It wasn’t long after I signed up for a dating site. I stated on my profile that I had a spinal cord injury and I could not believe the amount of responses I received in such a short amount of time. When having conversations with ladies questions did come up about my injury and that I use a chair. I often asked if my injury or that fact that I was a wheelchair user was an issue. I was quite surprised by the responses which typically sounded like “why would it be an issue”. I did come across people who would come straight out and say that they were not comfortable dating someone in a chair. That is quite okay with me as we all have our preferences with who we would date and what we are comfortable with.
Since my divorce my dating life has been great and very active. If I never had a positive outlook and confidence then I do not think I would have as much success in dating as I do. So moral of the story is that it is absolutely possible to have a normal dating life after an injury. That being said I do believe that before this can happen one has to be fully comfortable with themselves and their injury. After an injury and you get back to dating or if you are already in a relationship, there are going to be things that will need to be done differently than before. However with time you will learn new ways and accept the challenges as they come. Some activities while dating might seem awkward at times especially for the person dating someone in a chair because it is new to them. The key is for you to stay comfortable and show confidence in every situation because if you get uncomfortable or awkward then your partner will feel this and they could become far more uncomfortable.
Once you date for a while things will fall into place and the uncomfortableness will go away. There will probably be situations where you will feel more uncomfortable than the person you’re dating because of your own perception of how they feel. One of the best ways to avoid those feelings are to talk openly about you disability. Let them know what you can and cannot do than the person can decide what they are comfortable with. The longer you talk to someone and the more you get to know each other before you start dating or get into a relationship will make things go a lot smoother for you both.
A number of years ago I met a man who had no use of his body from the neck down. He used his mouth to maneuver his power chair. He told me how he met his wife who was beautiful inside and out after his injury. They went on to have two beautiful kids and have a wonderful life together. Another woman I meet who was a wheelchair user told me how she signed up to a dating site and started talking to a man soon after they decided to meet for coffee. He did not know she was a wheelchair user but he said he fell in love with her at first sight. These two stories are just a few of so many I could tell. I hope you will take them as I did to help you boost your confidence and realize that the person you become, the person your significant other sees you as is far greater than your injury. I try my best to live a positive life and to be confident in the decisions I make I think this helps people see the true me which far outshines my disability.
Dion Regular
Peer Support Specialist
Spinal Cord Injury Newfoundland and Labrador
“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine
About Dion Regular
Dion Regular grew up on the Baie Verte, Peninsula where he lived for 23 years before moving to St. John’s. In 1999 Dion became a husband, father and had an accident that would forever change the course of his life. In December, he fell from a boat in dry dock; he broke the C5, C6 and C7 in his neck and ended up a quadriplegic. Though he was told he would never walk or even feed himself again he was determined to be independent. With hard work and perseverance, Dion has regained strength in both his arms and legs. He became a volunteer with the Spinal Cord Injury NL (formerly Canadian Paraplegic Association) in 2008 and spent as much time as possible being a peer for others who were going through or had met the challenges that he had. In November 2011, he became employed with the Spinal Cord Injury NL as the Peer Support Specialist; he continues to offer the support and services needed to his peers. He offers support to those with similar injuries cope with their emotions and daily challenges while getting back into the community and participating fully in daily activities. Dion is also a single dad, who enjoys spending time with his two children. He also likes going for coffee, bowling, watching movies, going to concerts and sporting events or sparking up the fire pit in his backyard.
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